Starting Clomid!!!

Okay, so I guess I need to apologize for not updating sooner. But, this week was Christmas and all, so hopefully you’ll cut me some slack. J

I took my last provera pill on Tuesday, December 17. The side effects I talked about during my last post continued through the end. I didn’t take too much notice of when they stopped because I almost immediately started cramping. For me, it isn’t unusual to start cramping 1-2 weeks before I even start my period, so I thought I was in for a long wait.

But, to my surprise, I started spotting on Friday and Saturday (December 20 and 21). Aunt Flo arrived for real on Sunday (December 22) and I met with my doctor on Monday (December 23). He gave me a prescription for clomiphene (Clomid) and told me to stat them on cycle day 4…which was CHRISTMAS! Woohoo! Lol Merry Christmas to dear husband and me!

So anyway. The plan is that I take Clomid (100mg) for 4 days (cycle days 4, 5, 6, and 7). I have a follow up appointment on Tuesday (cycle day 10 / December 31…New year’s eve!). I’m going to get another vaginal ultrasound (yeah, I had to have one on CD 2 when I went in for my appointment which was a little gross, so there was that…luckily it was over quickly and I appreciated that they checked for cysts before we started) to make sure my ovaries aren’t being overstimulated, and as long as that one looks okay, I’ll get an HSG booster shot (I believe that’s what it is called). Then I’ll have to come in for another u/s on Friday

Whew. So, basically I’m going to be living in my doctor’s office over the next two weeks. I’m glad I’m off all of those days (except for the Friday appointment, but oh well, I’ll make it work).

I’m SO SO SO excited. Starting to feel hopeful again (although I also hope that doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass…lol).  

 

Provera Day 4

Alright, so moving on to Day 5 of Provera. I’ve taken 4 pills so far (will take #5 tonight), and have started noticing some side effects. Well, mostly the ringing in my ears continues and my boobies have started getting sore. Last night and the night before it was only at night, so at first I thought I was imagining it. However, this morning I woke up and they are still pretty sore, so now I’m less inclined to believe it is a fluke. However, no nausea or vomiting or headaches or anything.

So far, nothing I can’t live with…as long as AF arrives on schedule, lol.

Day 2 of Provera

So, Provera Day 2 is in the books. I’m taking it at night (you’re supposed to take it the same time every day) so technically I’m on day 3, even though I’ve only taken two pills so far.

I’m still not feeling any real side effects, although I am starting to feel the tiniest bit crampy this morning…like those a-couple-days-before-real-cramps-hit kind of cramps. Anyway. I’ve also noticed that my ears keep ringing, which is unusual for me. Could just be coincidence.

Other than that, though, no nausea, tender boobies, or anything major.

I would have to say so far so good. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I know in the past I’ve always responded quickly to BCPs, so I’m hoping that Provera will be more of the same on that front and I’ll start my period pretty quickly once I’m off of it.

I think this is the only time in my life I've ever been eager to see AF. Lol

Starting Provera

If you’re following along at home, you know that in my last post one of my concerns was that I wouldn’t be seeing my dear Aunt Flo for a while. Also that my doc gave me 3 missed periods before we started a medical intervention.

Aaaaand here we are.

I’ve officially missed 3, so after a quick pregnancy test (negative, of course) my doctor prescribed me Provera aka medroxyprogesterone. I’m on 10mg tablets once a day for 10 days. Then I am supposed to get my period within 2 weeks. THEN hopefully I’ll be able to start clomid (finally!!!!) It’s looking like if everything goes the way it is supposed to and my medically induced aunt flo stops by for a visit on schedule, I should be ttc the week of Christmas! I’m pretty excited.

As of now I’ve only taken my first Provera tablet. I’ve read online that people suffer some pretty bad side effects with it (severe cramps starting as early as halfway through the pack, very sore/tender breasts, spotting and breakthrough bleeding, severe nausea etc). I’m hoping I don’t get any of those, yuck, but so far I’m feeling fine. I did fine with BCP for all those years, where as my roommate would get extreme morning sickness and other weird pregnancy symptoms in lieu of PMS. So, it is important to remember that when dealing with hormone medicines, they affect everyone very differently.

I’ll keep you posted on how things are going onward.

1 month past HSG

Hello my poor little neglected blog. No, I haven't forgotten about you. I just haven't had anything good to report. As I said in my last post, I had just had my HSG. To follow up, I was gassy and bloated for about 3 more days after the HSG, then it all subsided and I was right as rain again.

Apparently there was some miscommunication between my nurse and I, and *I* was supposed to call them and schedule a follow up, not the other way around (in other words, they forgot about me, lmao). I went in Monday to look at all of my results and make a plan. I found out that my husband's SA came out well -- good counts and all that jazz. Now we are just waiting for my period to start so we can start our first round of Clomid.

There are only 2 problems with that (neither are major). The first is, as I have discussed, that I have really irregular cycles. Even though my LMP was August 30, I still haven't started. My doctor said to give it a little while, and if I miss 3, he'll put me on some medicine to make me have a period. So, that kind of sucks because it means we might be waiting until as late as December or January to start clomid.

The other problem is that we have reached the end of insurance-covered medical care. My doctor told me that my insurance plan covers all testing and fact-finding related visits, but once we make and plan and move forward with the medical side of TTC, then we're on our own. My next visit is going to cost me $500 out of pocket. Which I know is NOTHING compared to what it will cost if we have to go to IVF, but I still have a bit of sticker shock.

My Dr. told me and hubs that we only have about a 20% chance of conceiving with Clomid, and that if we go through 4 rounds without conceiving, he would recommend we try IVF. *deep sigh* I don't think I'll ever not be nervous about all of this. The waiting, the back and forth, the fear. It weighs on me pretty heavily sometimes. I know that, for us, this is what it is going to take to get pregnant which makes it easier. But some days the weight of our reality hits me hard. I know anyone else out there who is going through all of this understands -- some days are just harder than others.

So, dead readers, wish me luck that my AF comes soon so we can start our clomid. 3 years TTC is a long time.

One day post HSG

And the saga continues.

Yesterday was my HSG (technically called Hysterosalpingogram, but don’t worry about knowing that, it won’t be on the test).  As I said in my last post, my doctor warned me it was going to be “unpleasant” and he encouraged my husband to be there in case I needed someone to drive me home.

Now, you may have gathered by now that I’m one of those people who likes to have ALL of the information I can up front, so I spent last week googling the procedure and what to expect. I read a lot of negative stuff (it was the most excruciating pain of my life, etc) and a lot of information from professionals that say it really isn’t that bad.

Regardless, I learned what the procedure was and what to expect, which helped me feel a little better.

I also read some horror stories about mean nurses, husbands not allowed in the room, and uncompassionate doctors. Let me tell you, this was in NO way my experience!

We arrived at the clinic and I had to give a urine sample for a pregnancy test (which we won’t go in to…suffice it to say that I have an extremely shy bladder, lmao).

We were then walked over to radiology (or, as they called it at the clinic, Advanced Imaging…my husband made some lame joke about how we were in the “advance” imaging group and that we skipped right on over basic imaging. So lame, I know, but he always knows how to break my tension and make me feel a little more at ease).

Anyway. We waited for about 5 minutes (enough time to get really invested in some crazy episode of Dr. Phil and NOT get to hear the conclusion!) before we were taken to the back. And I do mean WE. The nurse or tech (I was a little too nervous to mentally record what exactly her job title was) called

my husband the hand-holder, and made sure to get him fitted with a lead vest while I changed into my oh-so-comfortable hospital gown. And let me tell you, he looked ravishing in his purple lead vest with little kittens printed all over it (and yes, he made a joke about being a “kitty” magnet. *sigh*)

There was only one chair in the room, and me being so nervous at this point I was about to faint, got the chair while my wonderful husband stood. We had only been in there about 1 minute, when the nurse/tech lady comes back with another chair and said something like “Well, the Doctor is going to be a few more minutes, and I thought you might like another chair.” I thought that was SO sweet of her. I know it is a small gesture, but it was very thoughtful.

However, in my experience when they bring you another chair and essentially tell you to get comfortable because the doctor is going to be late, it usually means you’re going to be sitting there for an hour. Except that we didn’t. When she said a few more minutes, she meant less than 5. She also stayed in the room and chatted with us the entire time. She made me feel like I was an important patient, and she really made me feel at ease. She talked me through the equipment and a little bit about the procedure.

Then the doctor came in and introduced himself. He was very warm and friendly and honest (all of my favorite qualities in a doctor). He told me the procedure was going to suck (not in those words, of course) and then walked me through EACH step, telling me what I would feel at each point.

He asked if I was ready and walked me over to the table, which, by the way, had a tempurpedic pillow top on it. Had I not been about to have someone digging around in my who-ha, I might have been table to take a nap. It was pretty damn comfortable.

The worst part, I think, about the whole experience was that the table had no stirrups, so I had to hold me legs open the entire time. That kind of sucked.

Anyway. As soon as I was settled on the table, they moved the table into position and told my husband where he could stand (right at my side so that he was leaned over and his face was right there in front of mine the entire time) and he immediately grabbed my hand. He really was the best hand-holder.

The first part was very similar to a well-woman exam. Speculum and all that business, which sucks but is nothing worse than awkward. Then they “cleanse” the cervix, which I mostly didn’t feel. They swabbed the thing down with some gauze to finish the “cleanse” and that was the end of the “fun” part.

Next they inserted the catheter through my cervix. I felt some pressure, but no pain. Then I think they blew some air into my uterus (I can’t tell you exactly, I just know this was the part that hurt a bit). Mostly, it just felt like mild period cramps. Nothing I wasn’t used to, but also not something I would ask to have done to me.

Then they injected the dye. I had heard over and over again that this was the worst part. That it was very painful and that this was “the worst pain of my life.” Let me tell you, it sucked, but it was by no means the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It just felt like a slightly more intense menstrual cramp. It hurt for less than a second as the dye went in, and that was it. Immediately the little shock of pain subsided. It didn’t even hurt badly enough for me to flinch or cringe.

Within another second, the doctor said “picture” and I got to see the still frame image of my uterus and fallopian tubes, both patent (or open!!!!!)

I was so happy I almost started crying on the table. The doctor removed the catheter (which I didn’t even feel) told me that everything looked great, explained what everything was in the image, told me once again that my tubes are open, shook my husband’s hand, told me to have a great day and left.

The nurse/tech lady stayed there with me and helped me get up off of the table and chatted with my husband and me for a few minutes, answering my husband’s questions about different things in the image (all of which were embarrassing, lol).

In the bathroom where I changed, the nurse had laid out some towels and a pad for me (I brought my own). I thought it was very thoughtful of her. She told me to expect a little bleeding (which I had, just some very light spotting basically) and that the dye would be gross if it dried on me (which I didn’t let happen lol).

As I told the nurse, I wouldn’t schedule one for fun on the weekend, but all in all not the awful experience I was expecting. I even drove myself home afterwards (much to my husband’s chagrin as he took the day off because he was told he would need to drive me home after – not that I think I could have done it without him there holding my hand).

Around bed time last night I started experiencing some bloating, which was pretty uncomfortable. I was having gas-like cramps whenever I moved too quickly. And, as a stomach sleeper, I had a little trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep in. This morning I am less bloated, but definitely still bloated. The gas cramps have subsided, but my lower abdomen is sore. I read one person described it as it being the day after an ab workout feeling, and I would agree with that. However, nothing too awful, and definitely not anything I can’t handle.

So, where are we now? I’m waiting on a call from my doctor so we can schedule a follow up to discuss all of our results (the only thing I’m still waiting to hear back about is my husband’s SA, every other test has been great!) and develop a plan of action. I’m excited and hopeful that, because all of our tests so far have come back positive, treatment is going to work.

I’m keeping my fingers (and my toes and my eyes and anything else I can think of) crossed, and wishing for lots and lots of baby dust. J

Our first fertility specialist appointment

So, after my ultrasound, my doc and I had a phone chat to figure out what the next step would be. She encouraged me to stay on the birth control pills. I told her I wasn’t interested because of the whole wanting to get pregnant thing. She admitted there really wasn’t anything she could do on her end, and referred me to a fertility specialist, who was able to get me in pretty quickly.

I had my first appointment with him yesterday, and let me say that it went much better than I would have expected. The doctor was extremely nice. He was also very straight forward in answering my questions and addressing my concerns.

We talked about my periods, and he confirmed that I likely do not ovulate regularly (something I could have told you, but I guess not everyone would know that?) which puts my husband and I at a disadvantage over women who do.

He wants me to schedule a contrast dye procedure (which he told me would probably suck, and that it would be best if I had someone to drive me home after) to see if my fallopian tubes are open or blocked.

However, he said that because I’ve never had an STD or any kind of pelvic infection or surgery, there is very little chance they would be blocked. He also did another vaginal ultrasound while I was there. Having him do my ultrasound made me realize, once again, how AWFUL that other doctor was. He was able to find both of my ovaries immediately, and said that my uterus looked great. He also said that my ovaries do not look like PCOS ovaries, so he doubts that I have PCOS. This time I was able to celebrate the good news because, guess what, there was NO PAIN when he did the ultrasound, as opposed to the 30 minute cervical torture from the other doctor.

Anyway.

He had my husband (who came with me) give a semen sample for analysis and said that as long as everything comes back good from both tests (my dye test and his semen analysis), he expects that we could have good results with a clomid treatment. I appreciated that he was up front about the cost of the treatment ($500 per round, which includes medicine, doctor’s visits and ultrasounds) and the likelihood of the success (about a 1 in 5 chance). I also liked that he listened to everything I had to say and took it all into account when developing a game plan. He never once accused me of having hypertension or diabetes, and didn’t tell me that my inconsistent ovulation since my early teen years was because of my current weight.

I left the appointment feeling optimistic and hopeful. For the first time in about 2 years, I really think there is a chance of my husband and I getting pregnant. I also know that over the last 3 years we’ve been trying I’ve had a lot of heartache. Each month we weren’t able to get pregnant felt like a total failure, and I spent at least one day each month bawling. I’m worried that if we still fail, even with medical intervention, it will be harder than it was before. I think that I blamed a lot of it on bad timing (or we didn’t try the right position, or the moon wasn’t full, or some other ridiculous excuse etc etc etc), but I won’t have those excuses any more. Now if it doesn’t happen, not only will it feel like my fault (everything was right, why couldn’t I get with the program?) but I will also feel guilty for the waste of money.

*sigh*

But I’m ready. Yesterday was one more big step down our journey to baby.

After the ultra sound

As an update to my previous post where I was wondering which type of ultrasound I would have (abdominal or vaginal), I wanted to let you know I was really lucky…it was both!

Actually, I wasn’t lucky at all. I’m not particularly fond of the doctor who did my ultrasound. It took between 30 and 45 minutes for the vaginal ultrasound because she was having a difficult time “visualizing” one of my ovaries, which basically meant I got to lie there with her pressing the ultrasound wand as hard as physically possible against my cervix. I actually cried through some of it because it hurt so badly.

After the ultrasound was over I sat up so she could talk to me, and immediately both she and the tech started panicking. I asked what was wrong and they told me I shouldn’t sit up so quickly after lying down all that time. I asked why and they said because of my high blood pressure. I laughed it off and let them know that I don’t have high blood pressure, I just have white coat, so I get panic attacks when I first get to the doctor’s office, but usually calm down a bit during the appointment. They both gave me an uncertain look but didn’t say anything else.

Next, we were going through what she saw on the ultrasound.

Wow, I guess I should have started with this. GREAT NEWS! They didn’t find anything wrong! No tumors, fibroids, or polyps. Everything looked great, except that my endometrial lining was VERY thick, but she said that I would probably just have an extremely heave period and it would be fine.

Then we got to chatting about how hubby and I have been having a hard time getting pregnant because I’ve always had such crazy irregular periods, and she informed me that it could be because of my diabetes. “What diabetes?” I asked. “You mean you don’t have diabetes?” she questioned with a confused look on her face. “Uh, no. I don’t.” Not that she asked or anything.

At this point I was starting to feel a little uneasy. I had just been accused of having high blood pressure and diabetes, all without any kind of medical basis.

She went on to tell me that if I would just lose 5-10% of my body weight I would start ovulating regularly again and have no problem getting pregnant. You know, completely ignoring the fact that I had just told her that I had had irregular periods (meaning 6-8 per year with no indication of when they were coming) since I started having periods 10 years ago. So, I don’t really know how she expected me to “go back” to having regular periods when I’ve never had them. This is also considering that when first started menstruating at age 15 I weighed about 160-170lbs. I stayed this weight until college (where I hit the freshman 50+ and the grad school 50…but that really isn’t relevant) and still had irregular periods the entire time. So maybe my weight isn’t helping the situation, but my irregular periods are most certainly not caused by my weight, something she wouldn’t even consider.

As the discussion went on, she informed me that I should probably see a fertility specialist, who would probably put me on clomid (or metformin if they found out that I just have undiagnosed diabetes [yes, she said that]). Then she said some other stuff that I didn’t really listen to because at that point I was done with her.

I couldn’t even be excited by my awesome news because I was so upset by her assumptions that just because I’m a big girl, I must have a host of medical problems.

Let me tell you something, I had a glucose tolerance test 3 years ago because I was having dizzy spells and my doctor thought I was HYPOglycemic, not hyperglycemic. But guess what? Everything was fine. Then, when my doctor ran all of my blood work at my first appointment (you know, like two weeks ago) she ran my glucose, too, just to check. And guess what? IT WAS FINE, TOO! I also keep track of my blood pressure at night with a home machine because I understand that I have white coat and my blood pressure is unusually high when I go to appointments. Do you know what my BP is when I’m at home hanging out and not at the doctor having anxiety attacks? Usually around 105/65. Pretty sure that’s about perfect.

I’m so angry at this woman for her assumptions because she is an ultrasound doctor. She is not my primary care physician, nor is she my gynecologist. She is simply there to take some pictures of my uterus and ovaries and tell me if they look okay.

Grrr. I’m not a happy camper.

But on the plus side…nothing wrong with my lady parts!

Ultrasound day

My ultrasound is today. I’m a little nervous because I don’t know what to expect. My doctor ordered a gynecological ultrasound, and at the time I was too overwhelmed to even wonder what that meant. Now that it is the day of, I don’t know if I’m having a “jelly on the belly” type of ultrasound or a transvaginal one.

I know either way the procedure is ordered and I’m going to have it, I just don’t like the idea of not knowing what to expect. I kind of feel like that’s how this whole process is going right now. There is so much uncertainty about what could be wrong, which means uncertainty of what to do. It makes me nervous.

A month ago I was frustrated with not being able to get pregnant, and I was especially frustrated at the continued menstrual bleeding. But, to me, I was just having a really irregular cycle. It never even crossed my mind that I could have cysts or tumors inside my uterus that were keeping me from getting pregnant and making my periods drag on.

I do have to say though, that I never realized EXACTLY how much pressure I was feeling trying to get pregnant. Now that I’m on birth control pills again, it has drawn a dividing line in the sand. No matter what I was secretly wishing, for the time being I am no longer actively trying to get pregnant.

Now that the bleeding has stopped, husband and I did the deed this weekend. It was so liberating. There was no pressure to make sure everything went right, that he climaxed, that I stayed in the right position afterward. It was just enjoyable. We were able to simply enjoy the pleasure of one another. It was a beautiful experience. I cried after for all of the stressful and resentful sex we’ve had over the last few years. I’d almost forgotten how wonderful sex with my husband could be.

So, I guess that’s another good thing to come out of this situation. Trying to stay positive. Trying really, really hard.

The waiting game

I have an ultrasound next week. My doctor wants to make sure that there isn't anything physically wrong with my reproductive organs, like tumors or cysts. I'm apprehensive because I don't know what kind of ultrasound to expect (I should have asked, but I was so frazzled I honestly couldn't think straight) and terrified of what they might find.

I know it has been less than a week since my first appointment, but I'm still a nervous wreck. The last two days I have burst into tears so worried about what I'm going to find out. I think on some level I'm already convinced I won't be able to have children and this is all a formality.

There are two "good" things I have to report, though. One is that I bought a home blood pressure monitor to make absolutely sure I have white coat, and not CRAZY high blood pressure. I was right. When I can monitor my own BP in the privacy of my own home, I am completely normal. I have done about half a dozen readings since last week, and they are all great. The mid-point on the readings is about 106/64 which I don't think could be better :)

Also, I am now on day two of my birth control pills and the six months of bleeding has ended. I didn't even have any spotting today. It was like someone just turned off the faucet.

I'm very glad, although it, once again, raises concerns that I might not be able to get pregnant if the only way to regulate my cycles is with contraceptives.

The fear, the not knowing, the hopelessness -- it is all very overwhelming right now. Hopefully I won't be wandering around in this directionless suspense forever.

First appointment

So, appointment yesterday.

It went about as well as I expected it to. The nurse who walked me back and took my weight and blood pressure was so nice. But I couldn’t help it. As soon as we walked through the door to go back into the office, I started sweating. My heart was racing and all I could think about was getting out of there.

No big surprise that my BP was 150/100. As soon as she took the cuff off my arm I started crying. *sigh*

It was a hard visit. After hearing everything, my doc said she thought the problem could be a number of things -- a thyroid condition, uterine fibroids, polyps, PCOS and a couple of others.  She ordered a battery of tests to start narrowing down the possibilities.

She decided she wanted me to start taking birth control pills to try and get the bleeding to stop until we can figure out why it started in the first place. I told her that the last time I was on the pill, it took 6 months before my periods came back. She seemed to think it was an acceptable risk, even if it meant delaying any potential fertility.

I guess I didn’t realize how long of a road this was going to be. She gave me a 3 month prescription. If it takes me another 6 months to get periods again, it means almost another year of waiting.

I guess when you’ve already been trying for 3 years, adding another isn’t too big of a deal, right?

I had the joy of getting a pelvic exam yesterday, giving a urine sample, and having blood drawn. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks from now and then a follow up after that to see where we stand.

All I know is that my heart is still racing today; my hands still jittery and clammy. I’m still terrified, and I still think I might burst into tears.

Yesterday was just step one. I don’t know where this journey will end, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.

My Twisted Story

I don’t really know how to start this story.

I’ve been married for three and a half years. Hubby and I talked from practically the first day we met about having kids. Before we got together, he had been thinking about adopting a child on his own. He has always wanted children as much as I have.

When we got married, I was in graduate school, so we couldn’t try right away (when I say right away, I mean that day, lol). As I started my last year of school, we started doing math for when we could start trying. If everything worked out perfectly, we figured we could get pregnant in August and I could graduate before our baby arrived.

So in July of 2010 I stopped taking birth control pills. I didn’t have my first period after that until December. I remember in August being nervous when I didn’t get my period. I knew many women didn’t get their periods back as soon as they stopped taking the pill, and I knew deep down I would be one of them. I had ALWAYS had extremely irregular periods as an adolescent, and going on the pill was the only thing that regulated my cycles.

But that month I was still nervous. I took a test anyway. I remember telling my husband that not getting my period meant one of two things. Either we were pregnant, or getting pregnant was going to be a very long, hard road for us. I didn’t know at the time how prophetic my words would be.

He held me as I cried through that first negative test. Little did we know it was only the first of many more that would come through the next years.

After a few months of frustrated trying, I realized that my periods were too irregular to just guess when I was ovulating. I started charting my BBT. After about a year, it became apparent that I wasn’t going to get any kind of useable pattern out of my charts. I got frustrated, and so sick of the advice “just quit trying and it will happen.”

It was around that time that we stopped officially trying. Not that we ever stopped trying, and not that every period that came didn’t feel like a complete failure on my part, but outwardly, we stopped trying for a while.

Fast forward a little bit. It is now January of this year, 2013. As I said, I have always had irregular periods. What that has meant for me was that I might go two, three, or even four months without a period. Then it would finally come and I would bleed for weeks. Usually this happened once or twice a year.

This year has been different. Since January, there has been very little time that I haven’t been bleeding. Thankfully, in January I started keeping track of when I was bleeding. I know for certain that there have been 54 days in the last 7 months that I wasn’t bleeding. Most of those were the month of March.

In May, I finally decided that it had gotten to a point where something was wrong with my body. My reproductive system isn’t working the way it is supposed to, and I need some help. The first available appointment at my local, insurance covered OB/Gyn clinic was July 11, which is tomorrow.

I have been “patiently” waiting ever since. You see, I’m terrified of doctors. I don’t know why, but when I think about going to one, my heart starts to race, I get sweaty, I start to panic. This week I have broken down crying no less than 3 times because I am so apprehensive about my appointment tomorrow.

I think tomorrow is going to be the first appointment of countless more.

I don’t like talking about my infertility. I hate the looks I get, the comments people make when they think they’re being helpful. I hate feeling like it is my fault, that I’m broken somehow. So, tomorrow I start down another leg of my journey.

And I couldn’t be more terrified.

At the least, I hope they can make the bleeding stop. I hope they can tell me why my body is acting this way and fix it. I just don’t think I’m going to like the answer.