I have an ultrasound next week. My doctor wants to make sure that there isn't anything physically wrong with my reproductive organs, like tumors or cysts. I'm apprehensive because I don't know what kind of ultrasound to expect (I should have asked, but I was so frazzled I honestly couldn't think straight) and terrified of what they might find.
I know it has been less than a week since my first appointment, but I'm still a nervous wreck. The last two days I have burst into tears so worried about what I'm going to find out. I think on some level I'm already convinced I won't be able to have children and this is all a formality.
There are two "good" things I have to report, though. One is that I bought a home blood pressure monitor to make absolutely sure I have white coat, and not CRAZY high blood pressure. I was right. When I can monitor my own BP in the privacy of my own home, I am completely normal. I have done about half a dozen readings since last week, and they are all great. The mid-point on the readings is about 106/64 which I don't think could be better :)
Also, I am now on day two of my birth control pills and the six months of bleeding has ended. I didn't even have any spotting today. It was like someone just turned off the faucet.
I'm very glad, although it, once again, raises concerns that I might not be able to get pregnant if the only way to regulate my cycles is with contraceptives.
The fear, the not knowing, the hopelessness -- it is all very overwhelming right now. Hopefully I won't be wandering around in this directionless suspense forever.
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