Ultrasound day

My ultrasound is today. I’m a little nervous because I don’t know what to expect. My doctor ordered a gynecological ultrasound, and at the time I was too overwhelmed to even wonder what that meant. Now that it is the day of, I don’t know if I’m having a “jelly on the belly” type of ultrasound or a transvaginal one.

I know either way the procedure is ordered and I’m going to have it, I just don’t like the idea of not knowing what to expect. I kind of feel like that’s how this whole process is going right now. There is so much uncertainty about what could be wrong, which means uncertainty of what to do. It makes me nervous.

A month ago I was frustrated with not being able to get pregnant, and I was especially frustrated at the continued menstrual bleeding. But, to me, I was just having a really irregular cycle. It never even crossed my mind that I could have cysts or tumors inside my uterus that were keeping me from getting pregnant and making my periods drag on.

I do have to say though, that I never realized EXACTLY how much pressure I was feeling trying to get pregnant. Now that I’m on birth control pills again, it has drawn a dividing line in the sand. No matter what I was secretly wishing, for the time being I am no longer actively trying to get pregnant.

Now that the bleeding has stopped, husband and I did the deed this weekend. It was so liberating. There was no pressure to make sure everything went right, that he climaxed, that I stayed in the right position afterward. It was just enjoyable. We were able to simply enjoy the pleasure of one another. It was a beautiful experience. I cried after for all of the stressful and resentful sex we’ve had over the last few years. I’d almost forgotten how wonderful sex with my husband could be.

So, I guess that’s another good thing to come out of this situation. Trying to stay positive. Trying really, really hard.