After the ultra sound

As an update to my previous post where I was wondering which type of ultrasound I would have (abdominal or vaginal), I wanted to let you know I was really lucky…it was both!

Actually, I wasn’t lucky at all. I’m not particularly fond of the doctor who did my ultrasound. It took between 30 and 45 minutes for the vaginal ultrasound because she was having a difficult time “visualizing” one of my ovaries, which basically meant I got to lie there with her pressing the ultrasound wand as hard as physically possible against my cervix. I actually cried through some of it because it hurt so badly.

After the ultrasound was over I sat up so she could talk to me, and immediately both she and the tech started panicking. I asked what was wrong and they told me I shouldn’t sit up so quickly after lying down all that time. I asked why and they said because of my high blood pressure. I laughed it off and let them know that I don’t have high blood pressure, I just have white coat, so I get panic attacks when I first get to the doctor’s office, but usually calm down a bit during the appointment. They both gave me an uncertain look but didn’t say anything else.

Next, we were going through what she saw on the ultrasound.

Wow, I guess I should have started with this. GREAT NEWS! They didn’t find anything wrong! No tumors, fibroids, or polyps. Everything looked great, except that my endometrial lining was VERY thick, but she said that I would probably just have an extremely heave period and it would be fine.

Then we got to chatting about how hubby and I have been having a hard time getting pregnant because I’ve always had such crazy irregular periods, and she informed me that it could be because of my diabetes. “What diabetes?” I asked. “You mean you don’t have diabetes?” she questioned with a confused look on her face. “Uh, no. I don’t.” Not that she asked or anything.

At this point I was starting to feel a little uneasy. I had just been accused of having high blood pressure and diabetes, all without any kind of medical basis.

She went on to tell me that if I would just lose 5-10% of my body weight I would start ovulating regularly again and have no problem getting pregnant. You know, completely ignoring the fact that I had just told her that I had had irregular periods (meaning 6-8 per year with no indication of when they were coming) since I started having periods 10 years ago. So, I don’t really know how she expected me to “go back” to having regular periods when I’ve never had them. This is also considering that when first started menstruating at age 15 I weighed about 160-170lbs. I stayed this weight until college (where I hit the freshman 50+ and the grad school 50…but that really isn’t relevant) and still had irregular periods the entire time. So maybe my weight isn’t helping the situation, but my irregular periods are most certainly not caused by my weight, something she wouldn’t even consider.

As the discussion went on, she informed me that I should probably see a fertility specialist, who would probably put me on clomid (or metformin if they found out that I just have undiagnosed diabetes [yes, she said that]). Then she said some other stuff that I didn’t really listen to because at that point I was done with her.

I couldn’t even be excited by my awesome news because I was so upset by her assumptions that just because I’m a big girl, I must have a host of medical problems.

Let me tell you something, I had a glucose tolerance test 3 years ago because I was having dizzy spells and my doctor thought I was HYPOglycemic, not hyperglycemic. But guess what? Everything was fine. Then, when my doctor ran all of my blood work at my first appointment (you know, like two weeks ago) she ran my glucose, too, just to check. And guess what? IT WAS FINE, TOO! I also keep track of my blood pressure at night with a home machine because I understand that I have white coat and my blood pressure is unusually high when I go to appointments. Do you know what my BP is when I’m at home hanging out and not at the doctor having anxiety attacks? Usually around 105/65. Pretty sure that’s about perfect.

I’m so angry at this woman for her assumptions because she is an ultrasound doctor. She is not my primary care physician, nor is she my gynecologist. She is simply there to take some pictures of my uterus and ovaries and tell me if they look okay.

Grrr. I’m not a happy camper.

But on the plus side…nothing wrong with my lady parts!

Ultrasound day

My ultrasound is today. I’m a little nervous because I don’t know what to expect. My doctor ordered a gynecological ultrasound, and at the time I was too overwhelmed to even wonder what that meant. Now that it is the day of, I don’t know if I’m having a “jelly on the belly” type of ultrasound or a transvaginal one.

I know either way the procedure is ordered and I’m going to have it, I just don’t like the idea of not knowing what to expect. I kind of feel like that’s how this whole process is going right now. There is so much uncertainty about what could be wrong, which means uncertainty of what to do. It makes me nervous.

A month ago I was frustrated with not being able to get pregnant, and I was especially frustrated at the continued menstrual bleeding. But, to me, I was just having a really irregular cycle. It never even crossed my mind that I could have cysts or tumors inside my uterus that were keeping me from getting pregnant and making my periods drag on.

I do have to say though, that I never realized EXACTLY how much pressure I was feeling trying to get pregnant. Now that I’m on birth control pills again, it has drawn a dividing line in the sand. No matter what I was secretly wishing, for the time being I am no longer actively trying to get pregnant.

Now that the bleeding has stopped, husband and I did the deed this weekend. It was so liberating. There was no pressure to make sure everything went right, that he climaxed, that I stayed in the right position afterward. It was just enjoyable. We were able to simply enjoy the pleasure of one another. It was a beautiful experience. I cried after for all of the stressful and resentful sex we’ve had over the last few years. I’d almost forgotten how wonderful sex with my husband could be.

So, I guess that’s another good thing to come out of this situation. Trying to stay positive. Trying really, really hard.

The waiting game

I have an ultrasound next week. My doctor wants to make sure that there isn't anything physically wrong with my reproductive organs, like tumors or cysts. I'm apprehensive because I don't know what kind of ultrasound to expect (I should have asked, but I was so frazzled I honestly couldn't think straight) and terrified of what they might find.

I know it has been less than a week since my first appointment, but I'm still a nervous wreck. The last two days I have burst into tears so worried about what I'm going to find out. I think on some level I'm already convinced I won't be able to have children and this is all a formality.

There are two "good" things I have to report, though. One is that I bought a home blood pressure monitor to make absolutely sure I have white coat, and not CRAZY high blood pressure. I was right. When I can monitor my own BP in the privacy of my own home, I am completely normal. I have done about half a dozen readings since last week, and they are all great. The mid-point on the readings is about 106/64 which I don't think could be better :)

Also, I am now on day two of my birth control pills and the six months of bleeding has ended. I didn't even have any spotting today. It was like someone just turned off the faucet.

I'm very glad, although it, once again, raises concerns that I might not be able to get pregnant if the only way to regulate my cycles is with contraceptives.

The fear, the not knowing, the hopelessness -- it is all very overwhelming right now. Hopefully I won't be wandering around in this directionless suspense forever.

First appointment

So, appointment yesterday.

It went about as well as I expected it to. The nurse who walked me back and took my weight and blood pressure was so nice. But I couldn’t help it. As soon as we walked through the door to go back into the office, I started sweating. My heart was racing and all I could think about was getting out of there.

No big surprise that my BP was 150/100. As soon as she took the cuff off my arm I started crying. *sigh*

It was a hard visit. After hearing everything, my doc said she thought the problem could be a number of things -- a thyroid condition, uterine fibroids, polyps, PCOS and a couple of others.  She ordered a battery of tests to start narrowing down the possibilities.

She decided she wanted me to start taking birth control pills to try and get the bleeding to stop until we can figure out why it started in the first place. I told her that the last time I was on the pill, it took 6 months before my periods came back. She seemed to think it was an acceptable risk, even if it meant delaying any potential fertility.

I guess I didn’t realize how long of a road this was going to be. She gave me a 3 month prescription. If it takes me another 6 months to get periods again, it means almost another year of waiting.

I guess when you’ve already been trying for 3 years, adding another isn’t too big of a deal, right?

I had the joy of getting a pelvic exam yesterday, giving a urine sample, and having blood drawn. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks from now and then a follow up after that to see where we stand.

All I know is that my heart is still racing today; my hands still jittery and clammy. I’m still terrified, and I still think I might burst into tears.

Yesterday was just step one. I don’t know where this journey will end, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.

My Twisted Story

I don’t really know how to start this story.

I’ve been married for three and a half years. Hubby and I talked from practically the first day we met about having kids. Before we got together, he had been thinking about adopting a child on his own. He has always wanted children as much as I have.

When we got married, I was in graduate school, so we couldn’t try right away (when I say right away, I mean that day, lol). As I started my last year of school, we started doing math for when we could start trying. If everything worked out perfectly, we figured we could get pregnant in August and I could graduate before our baby arrived.

So in July of 2010 I stopped taking birth control pills. I didn’t have my first period after that until December. I remember in August being nervous when I didn’t get my period. I knew many women didn’t get their periods back as soon as they stopped taking the pill, and I knew deep down I would be one of them. I had ALWAYS had extremely irregular periods as an adolescent, and going on the pill was the only thing that regulated my cycles.

But that month I was still nervous. I took a test anyway. I remember telling my husband that not getting my period meant one of two things. Either we were pregnant, or getting pregnant was going to be a very long, hard road for us. I didn’t know at the time how prophetic my words would be.

He held me as I cried through that first negative test. Little did we know it was only the first of many more that would come through the next years.

After a few months of frustrated trying, I realized that my periods were too irregular to just guess when I was ovulating. I started charting my BBT. After about a year, it became apparent that I wasn’t going to get any kind of useable pattern out of my charts. I got frustrated, and so sick of the advice “just quit trying and it will happen.”

It was around that time that we stopped officially trying. Not that we ever stopped trying, and not that every period that came didn’t feel like a complete failure on my part, but outwardly, we stopped trying for a while.

Fast forward a little bit. It is now January of this year, 2013. As I said, I have always had irregular periods. What that has meant for me was that I might go two, three, or even four months without a period. Then it would finally come and I would bleed for weeks. Usually this happened once or twice a year.

This year has been different. Since January, there has been very little time that I haven’t been bleeding. Thankfully, in January I started keeping track of when I was bleeding. I know for certain that there have been 54 days in the last 7 months that I wasn’t bleeding. Most of those were the month of March.

In May, I finally decided that it had gotten to a point where something was wrong with my body. My reproductive system isn’t working the way it is supposed to, and I need some help. The first available appointment at my local, insurance covered OB/Gyn clinic was July 11, which is tomorrow.

I have been “patiently” waiting ever since. You see, I’m terrified of doctors. I don’t know why, but when I think about going to one, my heart starts to race, I get sweaty, I start to panic. This week I have broken down crying no less than 3 times because I am so apprehensive about my appointment tomorrow.

I think tomorrow is going to be the first appointment of countless more.

I don’t like talking about my infertility. I hate the looks I get, the comments people make when they think they’re being helpful. I hate feeling like it is my fault, that I’m broken somehow. So, tomorrow I start down another leg of my journey.

And I couldn’t be more terrified.

At the least, I hope they can make the bleeding stop. I hope they can tell me why my body is acting this way and fix it. I just don’t think I’m going to like the answer.