Hello my poor, neglected blog.
Things have been...tense lately. Let me fill you in.
If you've been following along at home, then you know that, at last count, my husband and I were trying to decide whether or not to go one more round or just quit while we were behind and start saving up for IVF. We decided we wanted to go ahead and start saving.
So, things have been quiet on the doctor front - in that there have been no doctor visits and no invasive scans to put up with. No missing work, no excuses to my boss. No more nosy co-workers across the hall wanting to know why I've been taking so much time off.
That part has been kind of nice.
What hasn't been nice is the constant nagging in the back of my head. The one that can't believe I'm even considering paying $10,000 on a gamble. The one that keeps thinking about how much they would shorten my mortgage. The one that is in denial that IVF is really our last hope of getting pregnant.
A week or two ago, that nagging voice finally got loud enough that I opened a dialogue with my husband about it. It and all the other fears I have about IVF. And he told me he'd been having a lot of the same concerns.
It didn't really surprise me. I don't think he was every really excited about IVF, but he wants to be a dad more than anything so he was willing to go along with it.
The more we talked, the more we realized that we both felt the same - we want children. For us, having children feels more important than having biological children.
So, we're going to an adopting information meeting with the department of family and protective services (DFPS). It's no commitment, so we're just going to get some info.
We want to make sure that, regardless of what we decide going forward, that we have as much information about our options as we can.
And strangely, once we started talking about adoption, I felt a sense of calm start to come over me. And it's stuck around. I haven't looked to closely at that feeling yet (I want to wait until after we go to the meeting next week) but I think I'm going to find that I'm a lot more excited about adopting than I was about trying IVF.
Long before we ever started trying to have kids, long before infertility was even a word in our family vocabulary, my husband and I considered adopting anyway. We talked about maybe having one or two biologically and then adopting another one or two. It's something I had forgotten. And here we are considering adoption as our only method of having children, and I'm reminded of how good an idea that sounded just a few short years ago.
And yet, even though I feel better, feel more calm, infertility raises its ugly head at unexpected times. My husband and I went to see Noah this weekend (it was kind of meh). Noah's son's wife is infertile due to a wound to the womb. It wasn't really a big deal until she broke down to Noah -- his son should have a wife who isn't damaged, who can give him children, who can give him the kind of life he deserves.
Yeah.
One of those times I'm glad movie theaters are dark. It was so one point that it was hard to concentrate for a little while as I got swept up in some of the emotions I've been working to box back up. And still, my hand holder was there. When she started talking, he looked over at me, saw I was crying and grabbed my hand. He held it tight until the tears passed, then whispered that he loved me.I am truly blessed to have such a man in my life.
Well, I say that...
Last night we went out to dinner with his mom. I genuinely like my mother in law. She is a very nice lady, and I enjoy spending time with her.
My sweet husband told her about our adoption meeting next week. I guess I should have anticipated her response.
"Well, you know, a lot of people who adopt get kids and then they finally relax enough and they get pregnant on their own. So, you know, keep that in mind."
Can you see my eyes rolling right now?
Yes, because the reason I can't get pregnant, my medical condition, my resistance to medication (all of which we had just spent 15 minutes talking about) is because I can't RELAX!
I know she didn't mean to be inconsiderate or hurtful, which is why I didn't say anything to her. But it still sucks that she can't see the implications of what she was saying.
So. As always. Infertility sucks.
Hopefully we'll get some good/interesting news at this adoption meeting, and it will help steer us in the right direction for us.
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