Today was a bad day.
Today was one of those days where I let my grief and my pain
overwhelm me.
Today was one of those days where I came home from work and
collapsed at the foot of my bed, dropped my head to my arms and just let go.
Today I cried (and I mean ugly cried), I screamed, I
wallowed.
Today I let despair take over, and I lost myself in it.
For me, infertility is a daily battle. Every single day the
pain of what I’m going through, and what I’m being denied, rears up. And every
day I have to fight hard to keep it from winning.
Today I lost that battle.
After a long talk last night, my husband and I decided that
if this cycle is unsuccessful, we’re going to take a long break. Our doctor has
said the next step he’d be willing to take with us is IVF, a procedure we
simply can’t afford. At least, we can’t afford it right now. We’re thinking
that if this cycle is unsuccessful we might take a break from all the
treatments and start saving the money we would have spent. Hopefully, it means
in 2 years we might be able to afford one round of IVF. And then we’ll be done.
2 more years of saving, waiting and biding our time - one final infertility
treatment. If it is unsuccessful, we’ll walk away from treatment all together
and find our peace in another path to parenthood.
We’re not set on this plan yet, but it’s what we’re talking
about right now.
Honestly, even after our first failed cycle, I don’t think I
realized how much I was depending on this to work, and how much pain was
waiting for me if it didn’t.
Today I just don’t have the energy to fight.
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